Exactly a week ago I threw up my dinner after feeling nauseous all evening. I thought it was kind of odd, realized my period was due that day and decided to take a pregnancy test. I got a super faint positive line. Immediately I thought I was seeing things and decided I should try again the next morning, just to be sure... I mean Daphne is only 7 months old and I was definitely not ready for a third baby just yet. Thursday morning another positive line appeared. This time it was a little darker.
I was shocked. I couldn't handle three kids three and under. I wasn't ready to be throwing up nonstop for the next nine months while also breastfeeding my baby. Where was this little one going to fit in our tiny apartment and how were we going to pay for everything? We definitely were not trying for a third baby. I cried and laughed and cried and laughed pretty much all day on Thursday.
I spent Friday plotting logistics of how this was all going to work. I jokingly sent Ryan a list of all the "Da___" boy and girl names I could find on the internet. I complained about how I was going to have to rethink all of the plans we had made for our upcoming trip to Hawaii. I started researching how to switch Daphne from breastmilk to formula since she wasn't a fan of the new flavor. (This was another early pregnancy sign I had before I took a test...) I pulled out my bottle of Zofran from my previous pregnancy because nausea had hit me full force. I was going to write about how to handle an unexpected pregnancy and all the feels that come with it.
Saturday morning I decided to take another test. I wanted to see if the line had gotten darker and more distinguished after a few days, just like it had with previous pregnancies. This time the test was negative. I thought it was odd, but decided not to worry too much about it. I decided maybe the test was faulty. I was out of tests and would just test again after I purchased more. A few hours later I started bleeding. The bleeding started out fairly light... I consulted Doctor Google and decided this meant two things: implantation bleeding or chemical pregnancy. A chemical pregnancy is an early miscarriage that happens before a pregnancy can be detected by ultrasound. They are fairly common and often go undiagnosed.
Saturday night the bleeding had picked up, and I was fairly confident I was dealing with a chemical pregnancy. (I still threw up my dinner on Saturday night. Thanks hormones!) Sunday morning I took another test and got another negative. On Sunday evening, nausea had completely left and Daphne was no longer rejecting my breastmilk. I left a message with my doctor's office explaining my situation.
I was told Monday morning that my storyline definitely sounds like a chemical pregnancy, but only bloodwork could determine what had exactly happened. I wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or to grieve at this point. Both feelings seemed appropriate. This baby was certainly unexpected, but it definitely wasn't unwanted or unloved. I have to continue to remind myself that Heavenly Father gives us trials in our lives to make us stronger. I have definitely relied on prayer over the past week to help me understand why this experience was happening to me. I have faith that I will once again be reunited with my little one, and that's what I am holding onto during this tough time.
I have learned that miscarriage, including early pregnancy loss, leaves you with all the feels. You feel shock, anger, sadness, and confusion. You feel alone and isolated, even if others are reaching out to support you. This chemical pregnancy has made me feel crazy and misunderstood. I definitely couldn't have survived this whirlwind week without the sweet friends in my life giving me support, validation, and sharing experiences. Thank you. xoxo.
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